today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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