When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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