Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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