You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize