I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
