Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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