i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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