dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
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Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
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I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?