I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us