adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.