that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just gift wrapped bread.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
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