the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
