tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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