she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize