Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
