just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
