I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
