I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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