Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
