My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
