Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
