i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
