i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
