Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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