I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
