You're completely useless in the revolution.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
