having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
