Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
