She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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