I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
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his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
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He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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