She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
