Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
