Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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