yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
