the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
