I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I cut my penus on the lid.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
