Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
