Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"