I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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