you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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