I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
