The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
