I just pynch a tree in the face
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
