He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
