apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
