i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
