In the future we'll all be gay
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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