My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
