she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
