she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
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Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
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It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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