It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
