Moan for me like Helen Keller
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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