think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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