I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
