Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
