Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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