glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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