first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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